The Year I Gave My Heart Away

Sept 29th 2017 - Sept 29th 2018 ~ The year I gave my heart away.

As my 34th birthday approached, I had no idea what it meant to "give my heart away"...but that was the message that came through, and it sounded good. I was solo traveling in Costa Rica (where the photos are from), after running my very first retreat with a dear sister.

What unfolded in the coming weeks (months, years, still), was a deeper seeing of all the ways I had protected my heart.

That's generally what happens when you make a declaration.

All the beliefs & patterns that would create otherwise - will promptly & unapologetically rise to the surface as if to say, "Sure, you can have that thing you want, but not before you look at all the things which are actually keeping you from it in the first place."

First we decide we want something, then we claim it and "set intentions" to have it, then we're shown all the reasons (aka our beliefs & core wounds) as to why we don't already have it. (Because if there's something you really want, and it's not already in your life, you can be sure there is a belief that's keeping you from it.)

And that's where the deep work is. That's where you get to really show up for yourself and practice loving the darker parts you thought weren't ok & needed to be hidden.

The year I dedicated to "give my heart away" uncovered for me the ways I was terrified to trust that it was safe to give my heart away.

Because what does that really mean?

It's different for everyone. But for me:

~ It was the way I let people in.

~ It was the way I let people receive the light that shines from within me.

~ It was the way I honored my own boundaries enough to know what felt safe and then be able to express said boundaries in a kind & loving way.

~ It was the way I recognized that literally every judgment I have of others grows out of a judgment I have of myself.

~ And while I only started REALLY seeing this one once I met my now beloved - it's the way I express my emotions and my process, allowing others to hold space for me and trusting that I won't be rejected. (Rather than not express what I need, and silently seethe while berating myself for feeling annoyed because my needs aren't being met - or guessed - by my innocent partner/parent/sibling/friend/fill in the blank....).

I truly believe it was this exploration that not only opened my field to and prepared me for meeting Chris Dub (just 2 months after my 1 year experiment was "complete"), it's also what allowed me to stick with it through the challenging times, to take responsibility for what came up during those challenges, and to remember that somewhere somehow this was all for my growth, and that if I peaced out into another relationship because this one felt hard, the patterns would surely follow me.

Taylor Swift's lyrics "It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me"...regularly pops into my mind...

So, I guess happy Valentine's day lol. For me today has always been about loving myself so fully that it allows me to actually love and receive love from another. Because without that base, love with another (be it romantic or otherwise) it simply not possible.

May you feel safe to give your heart away, because you know there's an endless supply which gets filled from within.

May your heart feel like the sun, as you shine rays onto those around you.

May you become so comfortable, happy and content being with yourself, that someone would need to really add value in order to share your energy field.

May you know how incredibly worthy you are, and for whoever gets to enjoy your precious time - to reflect that back to you.

May you remember that there are PLENTY of amazing people out there. AND, that your issues are your own issues, and will follow you wherever you go. (AKA- let go of the scarcity. If you're not in a relationship that elevates you - I promise you will meet someone else who will. And also - be mindful of your ego telling you it's them and not you.)

Remember. Remember. Remember.