Shift One of These Things to Boost Your Sense of Self-Love

Over the last few years, I’ve worked with a lot of women who all seem to struggle with the same thing. They’re smart, driven, amazing women who have so much heart and want to make a beautiful impact on the world. But they question themselves, feel disconnected from their authentic voice, and lack a feeling of enoughness.

And you know what I’ve noticed? They’re all doing the same thing that’s making it harder to cultivate lasting, sustainable self-love.

So today, I want to share about three things in the hopes that a discussion can shed some light on where you might be experiencing them in your own life. And then offer some tips on how to turn it around to your advantage!

1. You have a “Once _____ happens, then _____ will happen”, mentality.

Sister. What if. WHAT IF, you were already perfect, exactly as you are? 
Sure, if you want to play an instrument or code websites, you need to learn and then practice to be able to do it. What I’m talking about, though, is redirecting the perspective of needing something to happen in order to reach your goal, (especially if there is resistance to taking that initial action step). Instead of looking at a goal and seeing the things that need to happen or be changed in order to get there, take a pause to love the moment you’re in right now, and appreciate the goal.

Remember, the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. 

I’ll give you an example:
Instead of saying, “I just need to start waking up earlier, and then I’ll have more time to practice in the morning”, try “I see I’m really needing sleep right now and I’m honoring my body there.”
Or, “If I could just be kinder to myself, then I’d be happier”, say something like, “I’m noticing how my thoughts affect my happiness, and I’m doing the best I can to simply be aware of them”.

Both examples imply that you’re not doing something you should be, and if you just do that thing, life will be better. The subtle shift in perspective develops self-acceptance, and creates a whole new level of being with yourself. You’re no longer trying to change something (or being hard on yourself for not doing what you think you should be), and instead you are practicing bringing awareness to what Is. This begins to permeate throughout every aspect of your life. It’s only through noticing and accepting what is here now, that you have any real chance of gaining clarity around what’s blocking you from where you want to be. 

Put it into practice:
Throughout your day, see if you notice the phrases “if I just”, “if I could only” or “once I”. Can you redirect it to be more of a loving observation paired with a positive affirmation? If you’re not used to this it may feel strange at first. Just ask me if you have any questions!

2. You look outside of yourself for the answer.

Most of us have been taught from a young age to question ourselves. It starts as early as elementary school when it’s hammered in to double check your work. Sure, there’s value in it. But what it’s also instilling is a mistrust of your natural instincts. 

Furthermore, we live in a society that grows off of consumerism, aka the acquisition of “things”, be it goods OR services. This means that you are constantly being sold to. All day, everyday, companies are trying to hook your attention and make you think that if you have their product or service your life will be better. That billboard for make-up with the flawless photo-shopped woman’s face? It definitely wasn’t created to make you feel perfect exactly the way you are… It was created so that you would look at your own beautiful, natural face and think “Damn, these wrinkles look awful! I need that product”.

Thank goodness for heart-centered businesses that are working to shift that, however a lot of what’s out there either began or has morphed into a cash grab. And they need your lack of confidence to keep them going. Either way, it has created an ingrained (and often unconscious) tendency to look outside of yourself to know how to act, what to wear, and what your life should look like in order to be an accepted and loved member of society.

Another place I see this coming up a lot is in relation to the moon. Yes sister, I love the moon dearly, but what I started to find was that women were thinking they HAD to be on the same cycle (menstruating at the new moon and ovulating at the full moon), or else something was wrong. Your cycle is your own. It’s unique to you and when you look outside of yourself for something to regulate it, you give your power away. The practice of living in alignment with your own cycle is so empowering! Notice your mood shifts and energy levels and see where you’re at in your cycle. Be gentle with yourself! However, when you live with the belief that you should be cycling with the moon, or even be on an exact 28-day cycle, your thoughts will catapult you into a constant state of feeling imbalanced.

Of course, if you are experiencing pain, discomfort, or a cycle that doesn’t have any schedule at all, then this is your body speaking to you to let you know something needs to be addressed. LISTEN TO IT. And then connect with professionals who can help you figure out the cause of the issue. *Make sure you don’t just silence the symptoms. You need to get to the root and understand why this is happening in your body.* It would be like the service light on your car coming on and then just short circuiting it so the light goes off. Your car still needs to be serviced and if you don’t figure it out it will only get worse later on.

Put it into practice:
Notice when you are looking outside of yourself for the answer. It can be as simple as needing a friend’s suggestion in order to make a decision. While there’s nothing “wrong” with this, notice where else in your life this happens. Is there a tendency to need other people’s opinions in order to formulate your own? Again, just notice! If you find yourself thinking you should act a different way, go back to point #1 :)

3. You think you’re supposed to feel good all the time

Ohhhh sister, this is perhaps the most popular notion I come across. While your rational mind knows that “we can’t be happy ALL the time…” there’s very often a part of the subconscious that believes: not happy = not okay. And this keeps you in a perpetual pursuit of happiness. While valuing happiness is wonderful, battering yourself for not feeling it all the time is not helpful. What is more, it can lead to creating a “happy mask” to appear happy to those around you, while on the inside you’re crumbling. 

You ebb and flow, just like the ocean. Your emotions aren’t finite and they shape shift throughout the day. Let that be ok!! 

Put it into practice:
When you are feeling low, heavy, sad, etc. ask yourself about it. “When did I start feeling this way? Did something specific happen?”
If the answer is no, then practice point #1 again! “Oh, I’m feeling angry/depressed/fill in the blank, and I’m just going to let myself be here.”
You can also move your body if that’s available to you (dance, run, shake and stretch). Or if you’re not in a place to move your body, then breathe the feeling deep into your cells and exhale any stagnation (this helps create a flow). And journal it out!! Journaling is such a powerful way to move stagnant thoughts. It literally moves your thoughts out of your mind and onto the page. A great practice is to end with a few gratitudes :) You can also take a nap, do some restorative yoga, sit quietly and watch your breath, or meditate.

Ultimately, can you be with yourself and your experience and say “It’s ok that I’m feeling this way”?  Because truly, to let yourself simply be, is one of the bravest, most courageous things you could do. 

I hope this was helpful, sister. These have been really important reminders for me in my own journey :)