The Roles People Play
What I’m coming to realise, with horrified clarity, is how my partner is me and I am the reflection of both my parents. Let me preface by saying my parents are lovely people. Kind and smart and all the things. And, like everyone, they have their “stuff” which, naturally, I picked up in many ways.
Earlier on in our relationship, he reflected how I was like my mother. It was very easy to recognize it pretty soon in. It was scary the ways I could see that he was me and I was her in many of our interactions. The ways I responded, or didn’t respond but was silently upset or angry. The ways he would speak to me and the words he would say. Almost identical sometimes. It was bizarre. And humbling. And sobering. Because of this crystal clear reflection I got to have more compassion for her and also for myself. I understood her better and also the ways I had reacted to her, and the things she did that frustrated me. With this seeing I had the opportunity to shift it within myself.
In doing so I’ve found a forgiveness for her that would have taken years and probably lots of therapy. Now I’m seeing an even deeper layer. Now, I’m seeing the way my partner is me and reflecting the ways I’m like my father.
I always looked up to my dad. He could do no wrong in my eyes. He worked hard, while my mom had an easy job. I even remember saying it on the phone to him when I was a child. You work hard, mom doesn’t really (or something along those lines). Which was crazy because while my dad was in construction, my mom was a single mom working as a supply teacher and hated it. My perspective of hard work was a little…skewed. She worked damn hard. Yet somehow, my dad was this king. Perhaps because my parents split up when I was 5 and I only saw him on the weekends. I caught glimpses of him. I saw the good in him, the brilliant creativity he possessed. But nothing else. Meanwhile things were really hard during the week with my mom. Neither of us were happy and it wasn’t a super fun time.
When my partner and I first started dating he saw my front. He saw my confidence, the comfort I had in my sexuality. He thought he had so much to learn from me. And while sure, we all have a lot we can learn from each other, I think he built me up to be something he needed, rather than what I am. Which is exactly what I did with my father.
When I moved to New York to pursue acting I pretty quickly discovered meditation and yoga, and headed down the path of pursuing truth instead. Right after a 10 day silent meditation retreat I went on a road trip with my dad and we stopped in to see my older half-sister. It was during that trip that the illusory image I had surrounded my dad in my whole life began to dissolve. Over the years our relationship would get more and more distant, until present day we can barely speak for too long. I love my dad and the role he has played. And I also honor the way he chooses to live his life and what he feels is right to believe.
After 3 years with my partner, it’s finally becoming clearer what the root of some of our issues are. Issues I thought stemmed from an upbringing with my mom. But in fact, it’s stuff related to my dad. Things that were so deep and unconscious, it took patience and digging to finally uncover them.
It’s funny that I’m such a good coach, and yet I have to actively practice how to be a better conversationalist. I guess not so funny. My dad is a great coach, but the response I most often got when expressing anything of importance to him was, “neat” or “cool”. When my partner is sharing things with me I literally have to think “what’s a good question to ask right now”, so that he feels I care and that I’m interested. It took a conversation with my other older half-sister to realise the parallels. Here I thought my social awkwardness was because of my mom. And while that’s probably in part true, my mom also knows how to ask questions, which I never liked, because I felt I was being criticised (a whole other blog post). What I’m now seeing is that my tendency for solitude, silence and the disconnection from my emotions is very much a function of being my father’s daughter.
And so, with that I get to practice self forgiveness. That always has to come first, because until we forgive ourselves we can’t forgive the other. Especially because truly there is no “other”, only a reflection of ourselves. I get to recognize why I’ve been the way I have, and from there make a new choice. Our parents play a role in our lives. One that illuminates the lessons we came here to learn, which is almost always about how to love more. And we often attract people who mirror those primary relationships so that we can continue learning. Once we become aware of what’s there, we can no longer call ourselves victims to our upbringing. It is up to us to take responsibility for our choices and how we decide to move forward in the most loving way.
We really are reflections for each other to see more about ourselves. When you make your issues about the other person you miss out on the gold. It’s uncomfortable, and it grates at the ego, but in the end you are free. In the end you see that you are love, and that is the greatest gift of this life.
“Every person is a reflection of your perspective, mirroring how much you have grown.
Through a web of synchronicity we are deeply connected, with each lesson learned walking each other home.”
~ Allie Michelle, Sea Salt and Silk
My graduation from the Institute of Holistic Nutrition. Also the last time my parents spoke to each other.