Behind the Curtain of Conscious Relationships

This blog post has been a long time coming. In fact, about a year and half into my now three year relationship I wrote a piece called, “Why Conscious Relationships Aren't the Paradise You May Think”, which has sat there unfinished. As my partner and I experiment with “taking space” and, in some ways, try to see what it’s like if we were to break up, it felt now was the time to dust it off and finish it. 

To be honest I feel strange, almost a bit guilty, when people who only know me on social media say things like, “Oh you two are so inspiring!” or “You two make the most amazing couple”. I mean, I guess we are. But you really have no idea how challenging and confronting it can be. Three years in and we still have disputes and triggers where I wonder, “Is it really meant to be this hard?” 

We’ve grown so much in our time together. I actually feel like I’m a completely different person, and I’m eternally grateful for everything I’ve come to see about myself. Let me tell you though - “Conscious relationships” are not necessarily the paradise you may think. Here’s why:

In a “conscious” relationship, you are just that: aware and conscious of what is present. You can't fluff it under the rug and go on as if nothing happened, and you also can't pretend to not be upset and silently stew in your anger and frustration hoping it will just pass (believe me, I've tried). The reason why a conscious relationship is labeled as “conscious” is because instead of glossing over the issues so as not to make any waves, you actually dive into them (ideally heart first). And this is where it gets challenging. 

A lot of us have been taught to numb or push down our emotions because somewhere along the way we learned it wasn't safe to have or express them. Either that we didn’t deserve to be heard (unworthy), would get punished or outcast for being “too much” (not accepted), we wouldn't be received well (rejection), and the ultimate – that we would no longer be loved if we expressed our truth (unloveable). Whatever it was, at one point or another we learned it was safer to say “Oh, no I'm fine! Don't worry about it. It's nothing.” Except that it IS something. Something that slowly begins to erode relationships if not expressed and acknowledged.

Then there’s another piece. One that was challenging for me at first (maybe for a while…). How to actually express what’s there in a compassionate way, taking responsibility for your own triggers, not projecting or making the other wrong, and trusting that your words will be received with love. Granted, after a life of having my boundaries disregarded and being made to feel guilty for even having them, it was understandable why I expressed them from a place of assuming they wouldn’t be respected. But here’s where self patience and compassion comes in. Because while it took me a while to learn I could trust my partner, he had his own issues around not being trusted. It almost felt like a couple steps forward and then a step back at times. A “shuffle” if you will. 

What’s always saved us was our own commitment to personal growth and the desire to really see ourselves. We seek the truth, and are willing to do the hard looking to uncover it. It makes sense, considering we’re both coaches who help people become conscious of the wounds and beliefs that keep them from excelling in their life. To be honest, it’s one of the main things that’s kept us together, at least on my end. Because no matter what happens, or how bad the argument was, there’s always growth. And I’ll never regret any experience that teaches me something about myself, because it brings me closer to self love. The more I come to love, forgive and accept myself, the more I see that these issues would exist no matter who I was with. The difference is, if they didn’t arise with someone else, it would be because the person didn’t trigger them, and they’d lie deep underneath the surface, unconsciously informing my life. Now, just over three years later, I’m recognizing an even deeper imprint. One that keeps us in this pattern of constant triggers. 

Here’s the gift in conscious relationships (in fact, in all relationships): everything that happens is a reflection of a belief you have about yourself, relationships, and yourself in relationships. While the learning continues, and I’m grateful to uncover more imprints and beliefs, I’m also ready to shift the subconscious belief I have around relationships. Both my partner and I grew up with single mommas, and for me personally, relationships look like arguing. And arguing leads to divorce. Now look, my childhood was full of love. My mom gave me lots of it, and while my dad wasn’t the best conversationalist I still saw him every weekend. He’d even come for dinner sometimes. My parents were good co-parents. You CAN have a good childhood and still have wounds, which for a long time I didn’t think was ok because nothing particularly awful happened to me. Your wounds matter, and the sooner you come to acknowledge that the sooner you can turn them into lessons learned. The lesson I’m learning now is that a deeply unconscious belief is keeping me in a pattern of relationship triggers. Let the healing begin.

So what’s the takeaway? Love is the only constant and all relationships are a mirror. We’re either trying to get love, keep love or protect ourselves…because we’re afraid we’ll lose love or not get it. The key is that you have to give it to yourself first. You have to recognize that you are worthy and deserving of love, which gives you the courage to dive into yourself and see the beliefs that are driving you. The wounds will exist no matter who you’re with, they’ll either rise to the surface or stay just below. If you want to do the deep diving, and you find someone who meets you there, it’s a gift. A gift that has the potential to raise you into a higher octave of knowing what it’s like to live from love.

Remember, though: conscious relationships don’t need to be super challenging by any means. Sometimes you’ll meet someone who triggers your wounds in the sweetest way, holding your hand the whole time and showering you with compassion and patience (usually because they’ve done a ton of inner work beforehand). Really, it depends what your beliefs are around yourself and relationships ;)

After our “break” will we stay together? Probably. While we’re both trying to create a healthy non-attachment to an outcome in order to feel total freedom, love IS freedom. Ultimately this space is helping us come back to ourselves, and the love within. When we love from that place, freedom is a given. And the truth is, this man is everything I dreamed about, everything I journaled about, everything I desired to manifest in a partner. He’s a mirror for me to see the places where I haven’t loved myself. Not only that, he holds his awareness in those places, shining his own love so I can discover the power of my own. While it’s been difficult and at times fatiguing, I am committed to seeing the beliefs that create the patterns in my life, and I know a conscious, loving relationship like this supports that. 

So when challenges arise and I think, “Is it really meant to be this hard?” The truth is no, it doesn’t have to be. But until the subconscious beliefs are teased out and rewired, it will be. Therefore be courageous. Acknowledge the reflection being presented to you. Know that it is showing you the places within that need more self love. Then dive in, and love yourself there. And again, if you meet someone who’s willing to deep dive into themselves alongside you, it’s one of the greatest gifts you could receive.

*All this said, if you are in a relationship that involves abuse of ANY kind, this is a reflection of where you need to create stronger boundaries and get yourself out of there. No one deserves or should be subject to any form of abuse. No one. If you’re unsure whether you should stay in your relationship or if it’s safe, please reach out to me or some kind of professional you resonate with. Your health and safety comes first.