Becoming Who I've Always Been

I wrote this the day before my birthday, as I sat in my (yes, MY very own personal) office. It was the first morning that I'd woken up in our new home.

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September 28th. 1 day countdown!

Euuuuwwwwwie!

What a blessing to arrive on the other side of all the challenge, stress, & discomfort, to look around and see I've become the woman I've always wanted to be. And to be surrounded by all the people & the things I've prayed to be surrounded by. - This year has been really hard (for many I'm sure. Duh)

It used to be so easy to diminish my own pain & say “well, other people have real problems, I'll be fine.” But no. I deserve my own compassion & acknowledgment. It's been a really, really challenging year.

I've come up against the darkest places within myself. I've seen the patterns that have underlied all of my actions & interactions lifelong. My partner & I have been on the verge of seriously ending it no less than 3 times, not including all the arguments & leaving in between. I've questioned myself on all levels, felt the deepest shame, overwhelming guilt, & suffocating longing to be able to go back in time and do things differently.

And because I was able to be with it all. Because I didn't shut down (for too long). Because I know how to take responsibility for my experience. Because I understood this was not an issue that originated outside of me, but sprang from a wound unhealed. Because I have a sisterhood that has literally been with me the entire time. Because I have the tools. Because I have guidance & know how to listen. Because I am committed & determined to live a good life, be free, & experience joy. Because I know the power I hold to shift & create my reality.

Because I love myself -

I have been able to transcend, transmute & transfigure my wounds & traumas into lessons. I have sat with those lessons & turned them into wisdoms. I have embraced the wisdom & watched the reality in front of me AND within me blossom.

Because it's not just that I see my prayers manifested in front of me. It's that I FEEL different.

The interaction between my conscious mind & the triggers I feel in my body are different. The energy that flows through me feels different. And in that I feel more whole, more grounded, more centered, more love, more pleasure, more peace & more free than I ever have before. And it is here now. It is here, now.

To my past self: Thank you for everything you've been, done & experienced. I love you, and I love the woman you've become. No matter what, I'm always here rooting for you.
Love,
My true self

Appendix (written 3 days later):
As I sat with this passage for a few days (I wanted to post it on my birthday, but for my own sanity I chose not to open my computer), I realised the statement I made in the beginning wasn't quite true. It wasn't that I had become the woman I always wanted to be. It was that I Was Finally Seeing Myself, truly, as the Woman I Always Wanted to be, but Never Quite Thought I was.

And do you know what helped me see that I had already been this woman all along? The beautiful reflections I received from friends and clients on my birthday. Hearing their words, feeling their gratitude for everything I've helped them see and create in their life, was truly humbling. There's nothing like seeing yourself through another's eyes, to re-member your own beauty and perfection.

Check out the Soul Sisterhood Collective, and melt into the arms of like-minded women on the same journey as you. Find out more here.